Holidays and the family

One of the reasons I started this blog was for you kids to see the changes in my life and why I made them.
I wanted you to know first hand what happened and who I am. Right now we're in the middle of the holiday season. A season that should be about family and being happy with the people we love.
Well, my holidays are not like that. They are like every other day and while people are on Facebook posting pictures of them and their family visits, I'm watching Netflix.

Jehovah's Witnesses will say that I chose this life. I left the family. As stated in previous blogs, this is simply not true. I am here and always have been here for my family to rely on if they wanted to. But they don't. They don't because of a stupid religious mandate.

I found this quote this morning and I found it pretty appropriate to the circumstances.

Sound familiar?

You didn't know this happened? Why am I not surprised.

There's a old saying, "if it looks like a duck, swims like a duck and quacks like a duck...it's likely a duck."
Sometimes it blows my mind seeing developments in the Organization I once put so much faith in.

Earlier this year, there was an investigation launched by the Australian Royal Commission in an effort to understand how Jehovah's Witnesses handle cases where child abuse is reported.

Now, growing up as a Witness, I don't think that Jehovah's Witnesses love pedophiles. I don't believe that for one moment. I know many good people on the inside that are just not like that. However, if there's one thing I've learned over the years - Jehovah and his Organization's image must be protected at all costs.
It was through my own personal experiences that I learned that the Organization is corrupt on a grand scale, but they do an amazing job of keeping the dirt behind closed curtain.

Unfortunately, in this effort to keep their skeletons in the closet, they make decisions that are considered wrong and immoral at the cost of protecting their image. So wrong, that many would first believe the whole situation to be a lie.

Anyways, back to the Australian Royal Commission! So they launched an investigation into the Australian Branch of Jehovah's Witnesses. This wasn't a court of law, this was merely an investigation to understand how the Witnesses handle these serious situations.

With a little digging and using Bethel records they seized, they found out that in the span of fifty years, there had been over 1,000 different reported cases of child abuse. Of all those cases, ZERO were reported to the police. Everything was handled internally.
During this investigation, they interviewed numerous Elders, Branch Overseers and even subpeonaed Geoffrey Jackson, a member of the Governing Body to get answers.
These interviews were about learning about policy, how they handled specific matters and whether their policies and procedures were up to code.
As expected, the brothers did EVERYTHING they could to avoid answering any questions that might be damning to the Organization. "Theocratic Warfare" at its best.

This investigation went on for weeks and after a few months break, the ARC (Australian Royal Commission) has found the Witnesses negligent and uncooperative on many levels and now this review is being passed on to the powers at be.
This was a big deal. Ironically enough, a lot of Witnesses don't know this event ever happened.

Then you get articles like this on JW.ORG.
It really upsets me that JW.ORG would do PR damage control by calling these kinds of events as lies.

This event really happened and was not a hate campaign launched by apostates. Geoffrey Jackson himself acknowledged that this investigation was not an attack by apostates, but an effort to improve policy and procedures when something serious like this arises.

Ironic how and Organization would rather spend time telling it's parishioners to close their eyes and cover their ears rather than admitting a mistake and say, "We'll do better next time."

Boogey Monsters and Infiltrators

I don't even know how to begin this blog...

I ran across this posting on Facebook and I was actually a bit stunned. I really shouldn't be surprised since I've heard these kinds of messages all my life, but now seeing it with new eyes, it's just disturbing.

I find it strange the Organization would ENCOURAGE division within the congregation to this degree by preaching that there are people who are in the Congregation that are just there to ruin YOUR faith.

Kids, I'm going to be honest. I know a lot of people that HATE everything the Organization stands for. I know people that have tried to reason with family members and loved ones in an effort to salvage a semi-functional relationship with them. But NOBODY, nobody wants to infiltrate the congregation and be there for years and years, covertly waiting in the shadows just to ruin your faith. Honestly, the congregation scares people that have left the Org. The amount of emotional trauma it causes just makes us want to scream in fear and get as far away from it as possible.

So where are these people in the Organization that have come to "test" the ones who serve Jehovah whole souled? I have no idea. However, by putting this idea in your head that you're ALWAYS being tested in the Organization, it encourages obedience.

Kids, I remember a time that you used to run around the house and have me time you with my cellphone, remember? Elise, you used to get so upset and cry when Brighton came in 1st place in some imaginary race, when there were no medals and there was no contest in the first place.

This really is the same thing. They are creating an imaginary enemy within the congregation so that you will always listen to the Governing Body and you will always play in their race/game.

This whole thing just upsets me because I remember hearing these things and I remember the fear it created in my head/heart for things that simply were not there and were not true.

I hope that one day you'll figure out what I'm talking about here.

Fred Phelps, Mental Disease and YOU

Today, which is March 20th, 2014, it was announced on CNN that Fred Phelps has died.
I don't expect you kids to know who Fred Phelps was and I truly do hope that the Westboro Baptist Church disbands in which as of now you kids, upon reading this will have no idea who they are.

Fred Phelps was the founder of a radical sect of Christianity out of Topeka, Kansas. They were really small and inconsequential, but due to their fanatical approach to their beliefs, they became a spotlight for media coverage.

The parishioners of this little Church would regularly picket funerals, concerts and events to spread their messages of God divine judgement. Below is an example of these pickets:

While I do understand that the Bible may condemn homosexuality - Does that spiritual conviction really justify this kind of hate? Many people would say no, and these pickets generated much outrage even among the Christian community.

Fred Phelps was described as the most hated man in America due to his extremist teachings.
Was he wrong? Is his message wrong? Or just his approach?

These events have been on my mind today. Last year, there was a District Assembly which had a symposium dedicated to remaining loyal to Jehovah. One talk entitled: "Human Apostates" went as far as to aggressively attack people who no longer wanted any part of "God's Organization." by labeling them as Apostates and mentally diseased.

Honestly, this made me angry.
Apparently, according to the doctrine they teach my family; I am bitter, I am angry, I am mentally diseased and I am a liar. Now, normally I wouldn't care what they think, but since my family does hear this kind of fearful and hateful speech, I do keep an eye out for it.

Basically kids, I didn't want to be one of those children in the picture above. I didn't believe in the faith any longer and so I walked away peacefully. Does that make me a bad person like the Organization likes to paint?

The answer is no.

Here's a copy of the word-for-word outline from that Assembly. Please don't be like the Westboro Baptist Church and let hate define your sense of right and wrong.

 

 Beware of Human Apostates

You cannot be partaking at the table of Jehovah and the table of demons.  These inspired words of the apostle Paul, found at 1 Corinthians 10:21, show that two figurative tables are set before us.  For the last day-and-a-half, you have been partaking at the table of Jehovah, and haven’t you found it to be good?  (applause)  Jehovah uses human representatives, the faithful and appointed elders, to dispense truths for those eating at his table.

The apostate Satan disseminates falsehoods in a similar way.  He mimics Jehovah by using human representatives.  Who are they?  If Satan and his demons are chefs in this evil kitchen, then human apostates are his helpers.  Wicked humans imitate the original apostate, Satan.  Like Satan, human apostates are unruly men, who cook up wicked reasoning, and season their brew with poisonous lies that deceive minds.  Human apostates have sat at the table of Jehovah.  At Jehovah’s table, they enjoyed a table of well-oiled dishes, a banquet of wine kept on the grapes.  They were domestics.  Part of the household of faith, and partook of Bible truths, prepared and dispensed by the faithful steward, the Governing Body.  But, they pushed away from the table of Jehovah.  Their preference is to partake of falsehoods at the table of demons.  This action of pushing themselves away from the table of Jehovah is described for us at 1 John 2:19.  (Scripture read)

Apostates do not drift away from the truth.  They deliberately decide to go out from among God’s people, because they are not our sort.  Human apostates are part of the see of the serpent, spoken of in Genesis 3:15.  If we wish to please Jehovah, we cannot sit at his table and, at the same time, be nibbling at the table of demons, eating from the hands of Satan’s helpers, human apostates.

So, for the next few minutes, we are going to discuss how to identify human apostates, and what you must do to protect yourself from the poison of apostasy.  Let’s first discuss how to identify human apostates.  Apostasy often starts with prideful rejection of counsel, and escalates into bitterness and jealousy.  Because apostates allow bitterness to take root in their heart, they become defiant of, and false to, the truth.  How does this defiance of the truth manifest itself?  The actions of apostates bear three characteristics.  These characteristics help us identify human apostates.

The first identifying mark of human apostates is commented on at Luke 6:46 (Scripture read)  Apostates profess to be followers of Jesus, but are not obedient to his commands.  A recent example of when this happened was in the mid-70’s, when some prominent elders, some who even served at Bethel, felt it was below their dignity to witness from house to house, proclaiming the message as commanded by Jesus.  They urged others to take it easy, because the humble work of witnessing from house to house was not necessary or unscriptural.  The Governing Body expelled the unrepentant apostates from the organization.  The faithful slave did not allow the efforts of these apostates to distract it from the primary work of Jehovah’s Witnesses, proclaiming God’s word of truth.  So, the first characteristic we can use to identify human apostates is that they reject God’s service.  Many bock at Jesus’ command to go and make disciples.

A second characteristic that identifies human apostates is commented on at Acts 20:30. (Scripture read)  What is it that apostates want?  Most are not content to simply leave the faith they once viewed as true.  They want to take others with them.  Rather than going out and making their own disciples, many apostates seek to draw away Christ’s disciples after themselves.  Like a kidnapper who carries an unsuspecting victim away from his family, apostates prey upon trusting members of the congregation, seeking to carry them away from the flock.  In addition, they seek to cause divisions in the congregation.  To accomplish their goal of drawing away disciples after themselves or dividing the congregation, apostates may use smooth talk on the internet, on television, or through letters to loyal witnesses of Jehovah.  So, a second characteristic that identifies human apostates is that they seek to draw away Christ’s disciples after themselves and cause divisions.

A third characteristic manifested by human apostates is they claim to serve Jehovah, yet they reject his representatives.  (3 John 9-10 read)  Apostates claim to serve God, but reject his representatives.  They lie to authorities.  Through the media, they seek to discredit Jehovah’s people, and incite bans of our work.  For instance, in one country, a news report instigated by apostates, falsely stated that Jehovah’s Witnesses supported Hitler’s regime during World War II.  In other countries, apostates used the media to accuse Jehovah’s Witnesses of refusing to give medical treatment to their children, and of deliberately condoning serious sins committed by fellow believers.  So, a third characteristic that identifies human apostates, is that they reject and try to discredit Jehovah’s representatives here on Earth. 

 

Now that we know how to identify human apostates, what must we do to protect ourselves from the poison of apostasy?  (Romans 16:17 read)

Suppose a doctor told you to avoid contact with someone who was infected with a contagious, deadly disease.  Would you reason that limited contact is okay?  Similarly, human apostates are mentally diseased, and they try to infect others with their disloyal teachings.  Jehovah, the great physician, tells us to avoid contact with them.

What is involved in avoiding apostates?  (2 John 10-11 read) Avoiding apostates means we will not allow them in our homes, reading their literature, watching TV programs that feature them, examining their websites, or adding comments to their blogs.  Why do we take such a firm stand?  We do not want to become sharers in their wicked works.  We love the God of Truth.  We are not interested in twisted teachings that contradict God’s word of truth.

We love Jehovah’s organization, the organization that taught us thrilling truths.  Truths about Jehovah’s name and its meaning.  God’s purpose for the Earth.  The condition of the dead, and the hope of the resurrection.  Can you recall how you felt when you first learned these and other precious truths?  Why then allow yourself to be sour, poisoned by anyone who would belittle the organization through which you learned these truths?

Does avoiding apostates imply that our faith is not strong enough to discern truth from falsehood?  That our faith is not strong enough to discuss different views?  Not at all.  In our ministry, we discuss with those who have different views.  Apostates differ from those we meet in our ministry.  Apostates are not sincere in their expressions.  Their aim is to manipulate your mind, and undermine your faith.  (Psalm 12:2 read)  With good reason, the Bible then tells us to avoid apostates, just as we would avoid a person who was infected with a deadly contagious disease.  (1 John 2:18-19 read)

Because they oppose the truth, apostates are part of the Anti-Christ.  They are liars and deceivers, out to destroy your relationship with Jehovah God and his son, Christ Jesus.  Therefore, we want to avoid them, for they are not of our sort. (Deuteronomy 32:46-47 read)

Heeding his inspired warnings means our very life.  How thankful we are for divine warnings against apostasy.  May we show our appreciation, by walking in God’s word of truth.  May we stay busy in the work Jesus assigned us to do:  sharing God’s word of truth with others.  By doing so, you will forever enjoy Jehovah’s divine seal of approval.

Sometimes they just get weird...

While it does make me a bit uncomfortable to go back and dig deep into the doctrines of Jehovah's Witnesses, sometimes I catch wind of things that just make me go, "uhhh, that's weird."

Just recently the Organization released an article in the Watchtower. More specifically, the November 15th, 2013 Watchtower.
There's an article called: "Seven Shepherds, Eight Dukes - What Do They Mean For Us Today?"

In that study article, there's a paragraph that I found that makes me worry. I would normally include the link so you can see it right at the source, but instead I'll post a screen capture just in case the link is no longer valid:

"the life-saving direction we receive from Jehovah's Organization may not appear practical from a human standpoint. All of us must be ready to obey any instruction we may receive whether these appear sound from a strategic or human standpoint or not. (4) Now is the time for any who may be putting their trust in secular education, material things or human intuitions to adjust their thinking."

Ok, so here's my problem: basically, no matter what, no matter how weird or unpractical it may seem, ALWAYS, ALWAYS, ALWAYS obey...whom? Jehovah's Organization. More specifically, the Faithful and Discrete Slave - more specifically, the Governing Body.

So what their saying, if you take that long winded paragraph and condense it:
Obey the instruction we offer even if it doesn't appear to make sense.

If you've been in the Organization for a long time, this may not seem that strange. However, in the real world, this is a HUGE warning sign.

The fact is kids: If you went to a financial advisor or a doctor, you're putting a lot of faith in that person's experience and knowledge and you're assuming he'll take care of you. He's the professional, right?
However, what if that person gave you financial or medical advice and when you asked more about it, he just said, "You'll just have to trust me on this one, I shouldn't have to explain this."
How would you feel?
Personally, I would say, "Wait a minute, this is my money or health we're talking about. You need to sit down and explain to me what you know!"
If he just simply said, "look, I don't like your attitude. I know what I'm doing and I shouldn't have to explain myself. You need to listen and obey.", I'd be finding another adviser.

Unfortunately in this life, people take advantage of each other ALL THE TIME.
Some people will lie, cheat and steal if it fits their agenda. You have e-mail scams, insurance frauds and pyramid schemes that are all based on trust. TRUST.
This article is suggesting that you TRUST these men to the point that you don't ask questions.

That is dangerous. I posted a blog a couple years back regarding Harold Camping and how many people trusted his predictions and proceeded to sell house and pets in expectation of that day.

It's very healthy to ask that question, "why?"
When you were all children, there were many times that you would ask "why?" when we asked you to do something. We had a reason and most of the time, we told you that reason.

"Baby-bean, don't touch the stove?"

"why?"

"because you'll get burned baby."

But this direction, this is just weird.  Always ask "why?" It's the smart thing to do.

Daddy - What happened?

Hi kids,

Right now, Brighton you are 7. Elise, you are 4, soon turning 5 and Amelia, my little Amelia, you are 3, going on 14.
When I started these series of blogs, it was with the intention of documenting my life as it was falling apart. I didn't know exactly what was happening to me, but I wanted to remember it all so that you guys would know who your father is/was at that moment and not me trying to rehash what little my brain chose to bring to the table.

You've had the chance to see some of the struggles, the victories, the rants and the raves of my life so far. I'm sure there are many more to come after today.
I've made a lot of really tough choices in my life and I want you guys to really understand why I made those choices. I'm sure you've had a chance to hear your mother's side on what has happened in life and I really want you to be able to hear mine.

I've been wanting to hold off for as long as possible since you kids are still so young, but I'm dying for you guys to be of that age where I can sit you down and tell you my story. Sometimes it frustrates me that while I hold off telling you things that little kids shouldn't have to worry about, the faith your mother belongs to is relentless about condemning people who have broken away. I worry that you'll eat up everything they say and then completely dismiss MY TRUTH.

So what happened?

As your mother may have already told you - I was once very active in the Organization. Your mother and I lived in Kentucky and served in small congregations along the Ohio river. We tried pioneering for awhile, but that didn't stick too long before we decided that we wanted to have a family. I served as a Ministerial Servant in Greenup, Chesapeake and Sanford, ME.

During my time serving, I had the chance to see a lot of things within the congregation that most people didn't. I never really told your mother what was going on since those events were meant to be behind closed doors and Elders and MS's didn't talk of such things to their wives.
But I saw the incessant fighting amongst the Elder body in Greenup. I had a chance to see certain brothers for who they REALLY were behind closed doors.
I remember a Brother by the name of Dan Evans Sr. He was the father of Kimberly, who was a friend of Gretchen and I's. Anyways, he was the school overseer in Greenup. He was a quiet and gruff man, but behind closed doors he was a bully and had a very explosive temper. Needless to say, he was my first introduction to reality. It was amazing to see him fight and manipulate the other more "mild" and "meek-hearted" brothers to make decisions that favored him and his family.

I wish I could honestly say that he was the only person, but there were a lot of politics involved in serving in a congregation.

When Gretchen and I were serving in Greenup, we both studied with a variety of young ones there. That was our speciality, young ones.
Anyways, Gretchen and I caught wind of a party that some of our kids were attending. At this party, there ended up being a lot of drunkenness and one of the brothers ended up making out with one of our 15 year old studies - Jessica.
When I found out, I went to the Brothers. Of course, one of the brothers at that party was Jamie Evans. Dan Evans Sr. son and a fellow MS. He was PISSED - this party was at his house. He scolded me for outing him and his friends for having fun. Needless to say, I promptly reminded him that he was the one supposed to be an example since he was an MS and his being drunk and vomitting everywhere was stupid.
After that event, I was on Dan Evans Sr. hit list. We had a couple run ins later on that eventually got him removed as an Elder in Greenup. I was not popular with that family.

There was another incident in the congregation with the suicide death of an unbelieving mate of a sister in the hall. Mike.
I used to study with a young man named Caleb. Caleb was the son of Debbie. Debbie was part of the McConnell clan. You should ask Mom about Carl and Shirley McConnell. They were great people.
The McConnell family weren't very active, but they were great people.
I always liked Debbie. She was a wreck of a person emotionally, but she had a good heart.
She once asked me if I would spend some time with Caleb and study with him since Mike was an unbeliever. I agreed and I did get close to Caleb and Debbie.

After about a year or so, with Caleb and Debbie making progress, Mike was found outside on their lawn in his underwear dead due to drug overdose. This destroyed Debbie and Caleb. I felt horrible for them.
During this time of emotional breakdown for Debbie, Paul Hennecke and Paul Harr stopped by Debbie's house and counseled her about her meeting attendance.
Debbie called me crying one day and I went over and sat with her and Caleb. Debbie told me later that she had to get away from the brothers and she went to Florida with her son.
I always resented the brothers for being so stupid. These men were responsible for these people's welfare and they kicked them around.

I'm going to share something too that incriminates the family, but I have to give you my truth.

Every once in awhile, Gretchen and I would drive up to Columbus Ohio to go see Grandpa Bill and Grandma Jean.
On one particular visit, Bill asked me to help him with some PC problems. While I was working on his PC, I found that his machine was riddled with pornography.
Now this wasn't just a small thing where we accidentally get forwarded to a porn site, this was very intentional. At that moment, I didn't mention anything to Bill, but on the way home, I told Gretchen about what I saw. She started to cry in the car. It was honestly not the reaction I was expecting, but apparently this issue had happened before with her sister Rachel years earlier. Rachel had found porn on his PC and when she confronted her father, he denied it explaining that it wasn't what they thought it was. Your Grandfather Bill is a very dangerous and manipulative man.

At first, I did what any responsible brother should do - I approached Bill about it. Imagine the awkwardness of talking with your father-in-law about his porn addiction. He denied it. I gave him plenty of opportunities to get it addressed, but he denied it over and over. Gretchen and I BOTH knew he was lying.
After talking with Bill, I went to some trusted brothers in the Greenup hall as to what to do. The problem? Bill was the Presiding Overseer in his congregation in Ohio! A man of oversight shouldn't be a porn addict. Honestly, I don't care what he wants to view in the privacy of his own home, but he CAN'T claim to be holy of holies and be a porn addict. So something had to be done.

Eventually, a letter was sent to the branch for direction. A little while later, in comes Dan Houghton. Dan Houghton was a very good friend of mine and the Circuit Overseer of our circuit. I really admired the man and still do to this day. He was a guy that fought for what was right and he fought a couple battles in Greenup on my behalf, so we were friends. Anyways, on his first night while visiting our hall, he immediately comes up to me and says "Nathan, we need to talk...now."
I thought I was in trouble seeing the fire in his eyes. Once he pulled me into the B school he tells me,

"I need you tell me EVERYTHING you know about Bill Blaine."

Apparently, the branch reached out to Dan Houghton to investigate these porn allegations. What I didn't know was that Bill was already on Dan Houghton's radar for other reports of abusing his role as an Elder. Apparently, before Bill moved from Middleport to Columbus OH, he wrote a 60 page letter to the branch offering his opinions of the brothers serving in that congregation. There were also complaints of emotional abuse and reports of Bill's domineering tendencies in the congregation.
Dan told me that he had been after Bill for awhile and now with my knowledge, he could get Bill removed.
After I told Dan everything, he went and did some investigations himself. Unfortunately, Dan didn't have enough on Bill to remove him.
However! Uncle Will was very much aware of what was going on. He knew that I was telling the truth, so he confronted his father and demanded that he step down.
To save face, Bill agreed to step down saying: "If that's what you want me to do."

Ask your mother and you will find EVERYTHING I just told you is true.

The reason I tell you these events is because I learned something over the years - Jehovah's Organization has scandals too. Sure, you can say that man is imperfect and Jehovah fixes things in his own time, however, I saw the rottenness of the people who were supposed to be caring for people in the congregation and saw a lot of people get hurt badly over it.
There were good people: Joe Fitch, John Stidham, Sonny Stark, Larry Ferguson, Dave Nemeth, Dan Houghton and I will never forget them for who they were.

But I was still a bit jaded. "How can Jehovah allow this? Aren't these terrible people appointed by Holy Spirit?"

After the drama in Greenup, Dan asked Gretchen and I to move to Chesapeake since they needed some young blood. Serving in Chesapeake was pretty good. They brothers were good there. I think they were just getting too old to deal with dramas, thus needing more young people to carry the load.
During this time, with no new battles to fight, I think things began to sink in. I had a chance to sit back and think about the things that had happened.

I can't pinpoint the exact day, but I knew something was wrong. Something inside me was changing and it scared me.

Once you were born Brighton, we decided that it was time to move back to Maine. Reason one was because we didn't want you to have a Kentucky/Ohio education. But also too, we wanted you to grow up with other boys your age with parents we trusted. Aaron Lederer, Josh Stevens and Reuben were all having children and they were my childhood friends and we thought that would be a better upbringing.
However, that wasn't the only reason. I was tired of being in a foreign circuit. I wanted to be back in an area where I had friends. So we packed up and moved back to Maine and served in Sanford.
While in Sanford, once again, I got to see a side of the Organization that I didn't like.

The Sanford congregation was a very rigid congregation. In my opinion, that congregation has been under the influence of Earl Lederer for way too long.
See, that's one of the things that I learned from serving in each congregation. The congregations are molded by the Elder body. Their passion, convictions, ideals, enthusiam all roll down to create a congregation feel.
However, negative things get passed down as well. Criticisms, haughtiness, personal opinions and rigidness.

It didn't take long to realize that Sanford wasn't too much different than Greenup, except they went the other direction. Instead of being corrupt, the Elder body in Sanford was very taxing and policing on everyone. Everything was scrutinized very carefully and it became oppressive.

While I was serving in Sanford, I went through a crisis. I began to feel that Jehovah's Organization wasn't the God Driven chariot I thought it to be. For me kids, I felt like it was just a group of people trying to do what they thought was right. And what was considered "right" changed depending on the congregation.

There are many reasons why I divorced your mother. But one of the biggest issues I had were with people's opinions being powerful enough to force you to be something you don't want to be or change something you don't want to change.

When growing up, I was really into fantasy games and movies. I remember Brian Lavigne and I would have to sneak out to see the Lord of the Rings movies in the theatre so as not to offend anyone. I hated that.
Your mom also took a lot of personal issue with the fantasy video games that I used to play. She thought they were demonic because they had magic in them. I completely disagreed because none of those things made me want to start practicing some weird ritual, it was just make believe, but the Witnesses don't like that at all.
Me and my friends used to have to keep it very quiet when we got together to play computer games, including Aaron Lederer. We were in positions of responsibility and we were trying not to offend anyone.
Sure enough, a older sister in the hall caught wind that one of the guys was playing a game that she found offensive in nature and he was pulled downstairs. He didn't feel safe anymore to play those kinds of games, which I thought was stupid. IT'S A GAME folks.
It was only World of Warcraft.

One of the things your mother and I liked to do was to create activities to get people together. When we were in Ohio, we had thrown a couple parties to get young ones to associate. We were the cool couple. So we had experience throwing together dances, formals and games to keep people active.

When we moved to Maine, we did the same thing. We first threw a formal and rented the Wells rec center. It was a good time, but it was remarkably difficult to get it going simply because the brothers gave us a bit of kickback on the idea. They were always a bit paranoid of SOMETHING happening at these formals and it took a lot of work to make people comfortable with the idea. We had done it plenty of times before down South, so we were ready.

The formal went without incident and everyone had a great time.

However, the second event we coordinated was the one that changed me forever.

Much like the 3 or 4 times we threw it down South, Gretchen and I decided to get a group scavenger hunt. We had a great time when it Kentucky doing them. We had thrown one in Greenup, one in Chesapeake and drove out to Russellville to attend one out there.

The idea was basically was that you'd have a series of small teams formed. With each team, you'd be assigned a mascot. This mascot was generally something really silly like a pink bucket, an ugly umbrella or something absurd like it.
Now, each team was issued a camera (this was before digital cameras were accessable)
Now that they had a camera, they had a list that was split into two objectives:

a) Get an item on the list and bring it back. Each item was worth a certain amount of points based on difficulty.
b) Get a picture of your team doing something specific, but the mascot must be in the picture.

Really, participating in the games were optional, but even the older ones would come just to sit around and eat and talk while we waited for the teams to come back.

When we got the event planned, we invited everyone from the congregation in Sanford to attend. Overall, in a congregation of 90-100 publishers, there were only about 30 that attended that event. The discouraging part was that there were only 3 Ministerial Servants that attended to oversee the event - me, John Stermer and Erik Christensen.
A great time was had by all! We had so much fun scrambling around Sanford/Springvale getting items and pictures and people were really happy. Mission Accomplished!

and then...

Apparently, some of the Elders had gotten their hands on the scavenger hunt list and had some "questions" for me.
So at the end of one particular Thursday night, Earl came up to me and asked if he could speak with me downstairs. When I get downstairs, it wasn't just Earl, it was Doug Edson and Aaron Montagna as well.
Not good.
Earl began the meeting with the typical, "We have some concerns regarding this scavenger hunt and we thought we should bring these things to your attention..."
As the meeting went on, the brothers were "concerned" over the fact that I had placed my brothers in danger. Doug Edson had looked up some random AWAKE! article on the dangers of a dare.
I was really upset.
Earl Lederer continued, "Nathan, we're just concerned about someone getting hurt over one of these dares."
He pulled a task on the card, "You have a task to get a team picture of someone washing a random person's car. What if that person had a gun?"
I replied to the effect of, "Earl, we are Jehovah's Witnesses. We talk to strangers EVERYDAY not knowing they have a gun. This was not a dangerous task. I didn't ask people to go to a seedy bar and slap a random person across the face."

Earl said "But it could have happened..."

I was now angry.

I pointed to each of them and said, "I invited each of you to the scavenger hunt, but you did not attend. Which is perfectly fine. However, you are now counseling me on dangers of something when you were not there. I have thrown this event numerous times down South where I have had Pioneers, Elders, MS's and even Circuit Overseers attend and we've all had a good time without anyone telling me that it's wrong and dangerous."

I was upset because they were counseling on personal opinion and they weren't even there to see it.

After I was done with that meeting, I was never the same.

I went to John Stermer and Erik Christensen and apologized to them. I was embarrassed that they had already been counseled over the whole thing too. It wasn't fair and your mom and I had done nothing wrong.

From that moment forward, I wasn't right. I was angry and had lost all faith that the Organization was really "THE TRUTH". Why?

Well, I guess it was a combination of things. Maybe it was because I knew I was being counseled on someone's opinion and NOT based on biblical teachings.
See, after that night, I also began to listen to things from the podium with new ears. I started to hear more and more things that I knew weren't the voice of Jehovah and more a local mindset. After a while, I was getting more and more angry with the local brothers. They were doing what they thought was right, but they were pushing it down the publishers throats. That's when it occurred to me that it happens EVERYWHERE. Greenup, Chesapeake, Kennebunk and Sanford.
Every congregation is led by men who are doing what they think is right and some push it upon the publishers in the congregation using the podium as a channel.
Brian used to tell me of a congregation he once served at where the brothers thought colored dress shirts were inappropriate and distraction and therefore forbidden. I remember the local needs part where David Noble gave a talk about how people who live in another congregations territory were going against Jehovah if they didn't stay in the assigned area.
Are these men really led by Jehovah? After that, I said no. If they are not led by Jehovah then why should I be molding my life around what other people want from me?

Once my faith was compromised, it was all downhill from there. I stepped down as an MS and I just stopped going to meetings.
I remember the day that I decided to stop going. Gretchen had been gone all week visiting her parents down in Ohio. When Gretchen got back, someone had apparently told her that I didn't go to one of the meetings.
When Gretchen asked me what was going on, I told her that I wouldn't be going to the meetings anymore. She lost it. She started to scream and cry. It was so loud that our neighbors ended up calling the cops thinking I was beating her.
That was awkward.

After I knew my faith was dead, there was no going back. I didn't see it as truth anymore. It was just another religion, just like everyone else. Not "THE TRUTH".

At first, your mother was mad at the Elders. They had stumbled her beloved husband and she knew they were wrong. For the first year, they tried to apologize and offer shepherding calls but I didn't want them. I honestly felt like there was nothing to apologize for, they did exactly what Witnesses do - they preach their own opinion and understandings just like everyone else the Witnesses condemn. I didn't hate them, but I was bitter over knowing that my entire life was kinda a lie.
After a year, Gretchen and I started to fight more about the faith. She wanted me to get over my issues and go back. She thought it was over just the incident of the scavenger hunt, but it was something much more. It was that I didn't believe it was right anymore.
We couldn't have a date night without fighting over it all. Disagreements became bickers, bickers became debates, debates became arguments and arguments became fights.
I was tired of being wrong. I was tired of being "sick". I was tired of fighting with Gretchen.
Then came the day I was driving home from work and I knew my marriage was over. I told Gretchen that day that I didn't love her anymore. It was true. She wasn't exactly what I wanted and leaving the faith didn't make that any better.
After that, it just went all downhill.

During all this time of me coming to reconciliation with the person I was to become, came the sickness. I was emotionally in turmoil and I felt like I had no idea who I was anymore. Everything I once thought was right was suddenly someone else's ideas and really not my own.
When I realized that I couldn't be who I wanted to be around Gretchen, I asked for a divorce.
In all honesty, I knew that I had changed. It wasn't fair to Gretchen that she had to be stuck with me when I was the one that didn't want that lifestyle anymore.
Maybe it was the last bit of respect/love that I could offer her. Let her go free so that she could have a redo like I desperately wanted.

And there you have it.

I've made a lot of mistakes along the way. Maybe if the scavenger thing never happened, I would have never changed. But ya know, live does that. Live makes you change and you can't be afraid of that. Sometimes crap happens and then best you can do is survive.
That's exactly what I did. I changed to survive.

It was all a very hard thing to deal with. It was hard to disappoint my family. It was hard to hurt Dave and Rita and everyone else who ever cared about me. But I had to change for me.
I have only one life and I am responsible for how I live it, so why should I be accountable for how others think? It didn't make sense.

As you've probably already read, if there was ever one constant when I made these changes, it was how it would affect you kids. You will always be precious to me and I care very much about your health and how you turn out as adults.

I don't care what you become, provided you are happy.

I just hope that as you grow up, you'll see the balance of mine and your mother's worlds.
I don't want you kids being painted into a corner just because we never gave you options in life.

Now that I'm molding my new life, I hope you can look at me as a model and a good example of how to be a good human being without HAVING to be in THE TRUTH.